Updated: Oct 10, 2019
Some day, I won’t be able to do this, but today is not that day.
There are times I have to practically pry myself out of the car with a crowbar, but showing up is the hardest part, right? Right. I know that I have moral support in there, and I’ll absorb the energy of the warriors around me like a sponge, each fighting their own silent struggle.
The first few minutes can be brutal, but then I (usually) find my rhythm, my breath, my mantra, until the endorphins and adrenaline kick in, and I get to enjoy an hour or two of the least pain I’m going to feel all day. Sometimes, its a rough day, and I never get “there”, and it creeps in, the thought, “I might not make it through this today”. And then the reframe; "Oh, HELL NO!! Today is not that day! Modify, slow down, crawl if you have to, but you’re getting through this today”!
[“You don’t look sick. You don’t act like someone in pain.” Thank you! I truly believe that what you pay attention to grows, and so I give my illness as little attention as I can, and do my best not to draw attention to it most of the time. Hang in there, fellow Invisible Illness warriors!]
Whether my medical issues are a result of active Tick - Borne Diseases, a reaction to their repeatedly attempted- and failed- treatment, or an auto- immune response to one, the other or both is up for debate, but the effects of the destruction marching through my joints and body is real, and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do a real push up or pull up again.
And then I remember it doesn’t fucking matter.
Chronic illness is a drag when it disrupts your life. It can be really frustrating to see everyone around you progress, while I sometimes struggle just to get enough air for a 2- minute run (thanks, babesia, the night sweats are super fun, too), and my 10K , Mud Run
and Sprint Triathlon days feel like a thing of the past
But it doesn’t matter.
What does matter?
It matters that I show up. It matters that I make an effort. It matters that I’m grateful for the opportunity to make countless choices, big and small, that move me in the direction of my intentions for my life and finding my bliss, and supporting others in finding theirs.
It especially matters that after a lot of work on my emotional and mental wellness in the last several months, I’m once again hopeful. I had an appointment with a new homeopathic doctor when I was in San Francisco, and have started a new medication, and have seen some positive signs.
Don’t give up. Modify, slow down, crawl if you have to, but keep moving in the direction of your bliss. Make choices, big and small that align you with what moves your soul.