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  • Writer's pictureJen

Something stupid or something brave?

I operated from a state of fear most of my life. Fear for my physical safety, fear that something would happen to loved ones, fear that there wasn't going to be enough- of anything- and especially fear that I was never going to be enough- anything- to avoid criticism, judgement, ridicule and be completely acceptable and lovable, if not perfect, the way I saw so many others.

I've done a lot of work over the last 10 years, and found a lot of healing. I've actively faced so many of my fears, staring them down, and while not always conquering them, always, ALWAYS coming out stronger and ready to fight another day.

Which brings us to today, and one of my few remaining fears. I'm about to do something very stupid or very brave, and only time will tell, but no regrets and trolls be damned.

"Only 6 weeks to your bikini bod!"

"Summer bodies are made in the kitchen!"

"Gotta work on that 6 pack!"

Well, this is my bikini bod. It's my summer, winter, spring and fall bod. This body was created in the kitchen, and then recreated in the kitchen and the gym. I'm pretty sure there's a 6 pack in there, even if I can't see it. You don't lose almost 190 pounds without some extra skin hanging- literally- around as a reminder. Why do I fear showing it? Shame?!? This is something to be PROUD of, not ashamed of. This is evidence of commitment, persistence, perseverance and STRENGTH. No, once again- FEAR. Fear of ridicule, judgement and of being found unworthy based on my shell.

I may not always think my shell is beautiful, but I accept it completely. I'm grateful it never gave up on me, despite decades of neglect and abuse. I apologize to it by nourishing it with how I treat it and what I allow in. Food, movement and never- ending mental, spiritual and emotional exercise both support and challenge me. I remind myself: there is enough, and there always will be. I am ENOUGH, and always will be.

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