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  • Writer's pictureJen

It's not you, it's me

Sometimes the hardest thing to give up is an outdated version of yourself.

I know, its cozy there, with no surprises.

No growth, either.

I’ve reinvented myself over the past 10 or so years. Of course, physical transformation is what is most apparent to most people, but what’s really changed is my view of myself and my purpose, intention and place in the world.

I recently faced a situation that made me more conscious of how I’m choosing to live, and it clarified the difference between “talking the talk” and walking it.

You know that place where everyone knows your name? That place you feel welcome, safe and at home? Me too. ILKB is that place for me. Its not just a workout, it’s an outlet for frustration, anger, sadness and a place I find peace in 3 - minute increments. But about a year ago, I started feeling like an outsider, alienated from the community I once felt embraced by. At first, I was hurt and resentful. I’ve been struggling with some other issues, and while SO MUCH- almost everything- about my life is different from 10 years ago, and even though I finally, really, truly, once- and- for- all conquered my destructive and disordered eating habits/coping strategies, some defense mechanisms I didn’t even remember I had resurfaced.

When I started taking my own inventory, I realized several things. First, I was the one who withdrew from the community, especially new instructors. I think this was just pure protection for when they’d leave. I get attached to people, and it seemed I’d barely learn someone’s name, and they’d be gone. And so I stopped getting attached to new people. I’m sorry, because they all deserved better, and a fair chance. Also, I wasn’t taking responsibility for whether I had a “good” or “bad” workout. I’ve been battling physically and mentally draining medical crap, and I at least in part blamed my performance issues on the instructors or the energy of those around me. The hardest thing for me to do, and something I’m still working on, is reaching out for help or support when I need it. I’m always happy to give, but I’m learning to be a more gracious receiver, which will ultimately make me a better giver. I owe “the fam” better.

In doing my recent work on myself, I remembered my purpose as I understand it: to achieve bliss and to support others achieving theirs. What does this mean in real life? Making countless small choices and taking thousands of tiny steps towards my vision and version of “success”. That starts with trying to make every interaction I have with another living soul - including myself- a positive one.

See you on the mat! I might be cursing during the warm- up, but there’s a smile behind it!

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